Pale Shadows

Oh, yeah, right . . .

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 19:33:59 GMT

Cannonbawling

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:41:22 GMT

I have to get this mourning for David Carradine on paper. My close friends, the ones who read this journal, already know what his influence meant to me, but I feel I have to say more and go deeper. Bear with me. I need to do this.

From my Gaia Journal:

Master Caine

As anyone who's been frequenting the celeb forums, or has read my LJ will know, David Carradine is dead and I'm broken up about it.

I was a big Kung-Fu fan, loved Master Kwai Chang Caine. I have his Spirit of Shaolin book. (It's part autobiography, part philosophy, part guidebook to the martial-arts styles of the world.) It's even autographed. (My friends went to a con and met him, and Stacey traded me my un-autographed copy for the one she got signed. Bless.)

It was one of the first really spiritual books I ever owned, and I count it right up there with my magical texts. There was enough of the Tao and I Ching for me to grasp . . . something, but just little enough of it to make me seek further.

In short, there's very little of my Taoist magazines or texts that I read where I don't imagine David Carradine's voice, or don't see them filtered, at least a bit, through Kung Fu. I can't help it. With guidance, and spiritual inspiration, I think what they also say of sex is true. You never forget your first.

Speaking of . . . if it turns out David died of a failed attempt at auto-erotic asphixiation, like they're postulating, I'll actually be okay with it. At least that means he wasn't suicidal, and hadn't just given up. Besides, if you're that age and can still use it, you should. Then again, people think the whole idea is twisted. Meh, everyone's got their kinks, even if they never act on them. If that was, indeed, what he was trying to do, his kink just happened to be dangerous.

If it was suicide, I'll break into fresh tears, and if it was murder, like his family seems to think, I'll be outraged.

In any case, the world has lost a decent and extraordinarily interesting man.

This was kind of my "Good-enough-for-the-public" edit. I never spoke of my attraction to him, that would have disgusted too many people. My "Die kinky, if you're gonna die." comment, I thought was off-color. And mentioning that it hurts as if he was someone that I knew personally, too crazy-fangirl for prime-time.

(From way back in the day.)
When was this? 1997, I think. 12 years ago. *Sighs.*

Who I Chose, and Why I Chose Him

A teeny-weeny little personal essay by

Julie Hodges

The question has been raised. Who, exactly, is my favorite character in Kung Fu: TLC? Is it Peter? Is it Kermit? Being friends with the both of you (Chaz and Anastasia), it seems that I must make a choice or face the consequences.

Hair. Yes, I know you're groaning about the triviality of the subject, but anyone who knows me knows hair has always been a major factor for me. I like Kermit with his long hair (fourth season), and yet, Peter's hair is also nice. However, it has never been a secret that I like long hair very much.

I have always tried to take the path of the less obvious when choosing my favorite male in any given group. I mean, look at Steve Clark. In case you didn't know, and most of you probably didn't, he was the guitarist in Def Leppard who passed away in 1991. A magnificent, shy artist with long, blond hair. I was, and still am, enamored of him. He was a good- looking man, but he wasn't, by any stretch of the imagination, the band's sex symbol. He also was no Brad Pitt. This would indicate that I would have definite leanings on the Kermit side. (What? I didn't think kermit was a great looking guy? Of course I did, but he just wasn't so fucking obvious as Peter.)

Then again, when choosing from a show full of men, none of whom is exactly my type, I would have to delve into further criteria than looks alone. I go back to Steve again, as my yardstick. By no means was he the best-looking man I've ever seen, but there is a spark there, which ignited when I first saw him, which made me fall in love. Why? He was sensitive, and shy, and very sweet. There was also an element of infatuation there, something that drew me in that I could never quite put my finger on. You know me and the quiet type. I've always preferred the artist rather than the fighter. Look at Stargate. The character of Daniel Jackson made me fall in love with James Spader, because he was a gentleman, and sensitive, and intelligent, endearing. Yes, endearing, that's the word. It's incredibly likely that I wouldn't like him had I seen any of his "yuppie scum" movies first. I have a soft spot for guys who can look sad, and do it well.

Peter, or Kermit, then, Peter or Kermit? Peter is passionate, which I like, but I like Kermit's wry, devil-may-care humor, too. Yeah, but what about me as the artsy, hopeless romantic? Sure, Peter's the ladies' man, and Kermit's enigmatic and engaging. Who to choose, who to choose? Well, you know. I saw "The Laquered Box" with Stace the other day, and that cinched my decision.

I picked Caine.

Yes, yes, I know what I said about his being old, but you have to think about it. He's exotic, he's intelligent, he's artistic and sensitive. He has an element of magic about him, and you know me and magic. It is, rather a Zen decision: it makes no sense, and yet, it makes perfect sense, after all.

Besides, you've got Sean Connery and Patrick Stewart, why can't I have an older guy on my list?! (Ye Gods, defensive much?)

It just goes to show that a woman can be touched more deeply in her heart than she can in her hormones.

That little tidbit seemed to be explaining more what was my type of guy than why I picked Caine, but the description was there. I suppose I was trying to explain something to myself just as much as I was to anyone who might have been reading. Somehow, I was trying to put Caine/Carradine into a context with the rest of the guys I liked at the time, seeing if I had a type. I know now that each man has his own context, and if he resembles the others in any way, it's just coincidence.

What I say now . . .

I've toasted him at dinner, burned candles and incense, went and contemplated the lake in his honor. I plan on putting out a candle, Shaolin-style, for him, if I still can. Hell, I may just pull out my bashed-up old Caine hat and wear it. I can't look at "Spirit of Shaolin" right now; it hurts too much. It feels like I've lost a long-absent, but much-beloved teacher.

I remember when I was the "Caine" of our group. It was one of the first times I really tried to emulate someone in order to better myself. When I was deeply connected with him once, I found myself worried by my first white hairs. At that time, Stacey laughed and said, "They're like Caine's. You're just getting wiser." I hadn't had a white hair since then. Until Thursday morning, no lie. I pulled it, thought about what Stacey had said on the last momentous occasion that happened, felt grateful it was a pretty white (Somehow, I want to be an old woman with the really white hair.) and threw it away. Thursday arvo is when I heard about David. I Believe in magic, so I can't call it a coincidence. I really don't want to.

Knowing how he (and this was David, not Caine) said: "Everything furthers", I can't believe he took his own life. He seemed a restless soul, an itinerant, journeying contradiction of a man, but I don't think he would deliberately cut his own road short.

Bless you, Master David. All of my love, and may the Tao embrace you as you tried to embrace it; not an easy thing for a man to do. Gods willing, I'll meet you face to face one day.

Come on now, try and understand, the way I feel under your command

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:50:34 GMT

This is to my musickal flist. I know all of you take a lot of stock in the lyrics of a song, but has a singer's voice ever changed a song's vibe for you? You see I have this cover of KISS's "Creatures of the Night" by a metal band called Iced Earth. This guy is probably in his late 30's, but he has a young-sounding voice. You know what I mean? In his voice, the song has this sort of "this is what we are" young-punk attitude to it. But, with Gene Simmons singing it in that deep timeless ROOOOOOAR of his, it's like "We're creatures of the night, and I am your general. Stand ready for attack." * * Damn, I just found out that it's Paul, not Gene, that sings "Creatures". Why did I remember it the other way? Probably because the song so fits him. Anyway, though, Paul's voice speaks to more experience than the Iced Earth guy.* It's not like there's an original and a bad cover (which can so often happen). It's like these songs are rockin' but they both give out a different emotion.

The same thing separates the 1000 Maniacs/Natalie Merchant version of "Because the Night" from the Keel version, and from the version done by the song's original writer, Bruce (lolololololol) Springsteen. There's a sort of pleading to the Natalie Merchant version, a need. Keel's more a passionate declaration, which is why I nabbed it. Most of Bruce's more downbeat work has this flavor of a sort of world-weary storyteller about it. "Been there, done that, drove on past on this long highway."

Does anybody else feel this way?

Dood, honestly, this struck me as being so ridiculous.

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 18:13:38 GMT

Friday, I saw the name of an article on Yahoo news that just struck me as being funny. Even though I believe in negative energy, the way this was phrased made me go "WTF?". Pope blames recent wars in Africa on "clouds of evil".
Now, I don't think this was an exact transcription of the article title, but the "clouds of evil" is exact. This is no offense to any Catholics on my flist, but doesn't it sound crazy to you?

Okay, so I believe it's plausible that negative energy (I wouldn't call it evil) can infect people in its vicinity. It can cause depression, unfounded fear, lethargy, and yes, even violence. Maybe I have a problem with the word "evil". To me, "evil" isn't so much a noun as it is an adjective. Actions can be described as evil, but evil as a noun is hard to define. It's hard to put one's finger on a big nebulous nastiness.

Plus, "evil" to me has become sort of a melodramatic word that kind of makes me laugh. I rarely describe something as "evil". I use words like "wrong", "cruel", "unjust", "unfair", "mean", "horrifying", "awful". Then again, these are also judgment words that really depend on the upbringing and beliefs of the person saying them. What might be "cruel" to me may be completely justified in someone else's viewpoint. Just look at Sarah Palin, who would eat an endangered species everyday for breakfast, lunch and dinner, if she could. She thinks she's justified.

Evil just seems to me to be the kind of word that has to be drawn out, Snidely Whiplash fashion, whilst twirling a mustache. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEvil." There's a Munchkin card that attacks with waves of eeeeeeeevil. The ugly little idol from Munchkin-Fu.

Then again, it may be I'm so skeptical of the "evil cloud" thing because it implies that these warring peoples aren't responsible for their actions. Even considering negative energy, you can choose to get away, you can choose to clear the space, you can choose to resist. You can try to recognize the negative energy for what it is and not succumb to it without a fight.

Humid, 78 degrees with a chance of evil. Evil front moving in from the south-southwest, with half an inch of violence to fall by mid-afternoon. Stay home, and don't let yourself be caught up in it, kay?

Writer's Block: Animal Instinct

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 21:28:34 GMT

What creature would you choose as your spirit animal?

View 502 Answers

I've actually heard, according to Native American Tradition, that every person has nine.

North, South, East, West, Above, Below, Right and Left sides, and Within. Being an eclectic, I gree with this, because I think it would be difficult for just one spirit animal, all of which help people in different areas, to help one person's spiritual journey in all ways.

I know one of mine is some kind of cat. I have loved cats forever and they love me. We have an understanding. Even the tigers at the zoo made this deep, satisfied noise when I was near (It's called a chuff, and it's like an industrial size purr. It could have been a coincidence, but I'd like to think not. *shrug* maybe they were just hungry.)

Wolves/werewolves have been an object of admiration for me since I was in my late teens. I have to be embarrassed and say, before that, aside from the wolves in Elfquest, I carried the unfortunate common notion that they were vicious. Now, I know that they are not; they're shy predators that really rarely attack humans. They are beautiful, too.

Recently, I discovered the beauty of bats. I held one, I felt its warm little heartbeat and soft fur. Without them, we'd be swamped with flies, mosquitoes and other pests. Without friut bats, we wouldn't have many of our fruits to eat because they carry the pollen of the flowers. It's no wonder they are a Chinese symbol of good fortune.

I don't feel much kinship with herbivores, though I'm fond of horses and unicorns. Deer, nah. Antelopes, rabbits, buffaloes, someone once told me one of my guides was a buffalo, I was like WTF?),mice, elephants, giraffes, zebras, no. Same for bears and domestic dogs, even though they're carnivorous. I don't feel a kinship with most birds or reptiles, either. Hawks, though, always seem to find me, or me them. I always really liked owls, though.

Cat, Owl, Wolf, Bat- odd that all of my favourites are mostly nocturnal.

I lurve you, quizgalaxy

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 16:09:49 GMT

The thing is, I want to fill this journal with a few things. Mostly important things, but I can't believe the LJ welcome message is still at the bottom of the page. I won't feel legit until it's gone, gone, gone.

So, therefore, another generated meme!

<td align="center">

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

My Epitaph

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 14:46:59 GMT

Oh, this is funny, and so me, considering the kind of movies I love. ROFLWAFFLES!

<td align="center">

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

Writer's Block: Prepared Answer

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 23:02:10 GMT

What is the one question you've always wanted someone to ask you?

View 501 Answers

Lately? I'm so awful. "Can I kiss/hold/touch you?", "Would you make love to me?" Yeah. That's what I want to be asked. But only by someone I know, or have come to know, or have some kind of affection for. It's happened with complete strangers that I've known for all of a minute and a half, and that makes me uncomfortable. I have to have known someone for at least a few days before I'll answer yes. Or hell, depending on the person, at least a few hours.

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:14:55 GMT

I couldn't even laugh out loud at this. I was laughing so hard that all I did was make little hissing noises.

pale_exquisite --

[noun]:

A deadly strain of projectiile vomit

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Bleeeurgh!

On a sadder note, the guy that used to bother me all the time on some online service that I no longer subscribe to might be dying of a diabetic attack

Meme-burgers with french-fried memes

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:34:41 GMT

This meme is from xsethsownstarx , though only the LP crew will probably answer it. xsethsownstarx xsethsownstarx</lj> seems to be having so much fun stumping ppls, I thought I'd give it a try.

1. Post the names of 10 of your favorite musicians.
2. See who can guess which is your favorite song by each.
3. Once someone guesses right, bold that row and include the song.

1. My Chemical Romance- "Famous Last Words"
2. Def Leppard
3. Bon Jovi
4. Aerosmith
5. "Weird Al" Yankovic -"White and Nerdy", though I'm also fond of "Livin' in the Fridge" and "Dare to Be Stupid"
6. AC/DC
7. Journey
8. Sting- "Desert Rose"
9. Muse
10. P!NK-"Don't Let Me Get Me"

There are 5 possible for My Chem. Yeah. I'm super indecisive.

Hope I get some hits :)

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:52:14 GMT

Title: Best Kept Hidden part 2
Author </a></font></b></a>pale_exquisite Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Rating: PG-13 for blood and slight violence, there's boykissing in this part, tooPairing: Beckett/Zelenka/McKay pre-slash Series: Vampires Will Never Hurt You
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the concept of Stargate Atlantis. I claim no ownership and mean no harm, truly.Warnings: Vampire fic, Rodney being whiny and difficult, maybe OOC, Oh, and M/M kissing.
Author’s Note: I've read a lot of vampire folklore, and have decided to make my vampires, this bloodline anyway, more true to that than most. I've heard vampyr in Czech for "vampire", but I have reason to believe this is a more recent word, so I went with the one that is in my vampire folklore sourcebooks, which is upir. I'm not quite sure of the plural on that, so I just left it. I probably will need to edit it. Also, I'm useless at making accent marks. Please forgive me. Timeline is sometime between "Tao of Rodney" and "Sunday" in season 3, but there's not much to indicate that here.

Rodney didn't need a translation. It was close enough to a word he recognized. "A vampire? You think you're a
vampire? Unbelievable! You're seriously not considering that this is true, Carson."

"The Wraith are damn close to being vampires; they are, in a sense. If they exist, then why not?" Beckett
shrugged. "I think ye and I have both seen way too much to be cynical now."

"Oh, so now you'll be claiming to have fangs and drink blood." Rodney pressed his fingertips hard against his
forehead, exasperated.

"Yes and yes. You would like to see, perhaps?"

"If ye'd be willing. Maybe it'll shut Rodney up."

"Certainly. I trust that you will keep this quiet." Radek parted his lips in order to let them see. He had two pairs.
They slid down over his canine teeth from beneath his gums, the second set slipping down on the outside. They
were very thin and sharp, the inner pair slightly longer.

Rodney recoiled. "Guh."

Radek couldn't help but shoot him a sharp grin. "You are lost for words."

"Did that hurt?" Carson asked almost immediately.

"Little, at first. Not anymore. They hide somewhere . . . here," he pressed right above his upper lip with his thumb
and forefinger, "when I don't need them."

"Well, it seems ye're strong and surprisingly quick, is there anything else ye can do?"

"Ne. Not really. I may heal faster than a living human, but not by much. I can stay awake somewhat longer without
collapsing, but I need to rest eventually. Some people who write movies and books seem to think that the
transformation is a miracle; that it gives you all sorts of powers, cures everything wrong with you. I still need my
glasses to see. What you know of me is what you know. My pursuits are in science. I have no need to throw
people about, to run fast. Today I was taken off guard. It may have seemed fierce and impressive to you, but
I really was very scared. "

"Good, oh good," McKay barked, "because if you started claiming to be able to whip up huge storms or turn into a
bat, I wouldn't respect anything you ever told me again."

"You barely do now." Zelenka growled, eyes flashing.

"That's enough, both of ye. Now, considering what I know about vampires, would it be presumptuous to ask if ye
were immortal?"

"I do not know. I have existed for much longer than any human should, but not nearly so long as a Goa'uld, or a
Wraith, or even an Ancient. I was born in 1814, was killed in 1852. I have endured like this ever since. If I will ever
age or die without violence, I have no idea."

"Pssh, nearly two-hundred years old." Rodney rolled his eyes in disbelief.

"Is it so easy to believe of a Wraith, but not of me?"

"We have proof of the age of Wraiths."

"Maybe I could prove . . ." Beckett interrupted.

"No, Carson. I cannot risk someone finding, say, tissue samples, and finding out where they came from. Besides,
I do not need for Dr. McKay to believe me."

"Why don't you burn in the sun?" McKay all but sneered.

"I do burn in the sun. I burn as easily as you do."

"You know what I mean."

"That an upir will explode into flames or disintegrate in sunlight is movie rubbish. Sometimes too much light will
hurt my skin or eyes. It will not kill me. Actually," he smiled slowly, "I love the way it looks coming through the
windows here."

"If you really were a vampire, the entire city would be undead by now."

"Another misconception. The change occurs when someone is killed by one of my kind, and killing takes at least
five days of feeding on same person consecutively. I never do this. We need much less blood in a sitting than
stupid films show you."

"I seldom take from the same person two days in a row. If your infirmary had been flooded with people complaining
of illness, Carson, you would have surely caught me out. The marks also heal very quickly. You're not likely to
have found those, either."

"Ah, well, yes, but I doubt he would have been looking for vampire fang punctures if anyone had been ill."

"The fangs are not for drawing blood." Radek shook his head. "They inject a kind of venom."

Carson's face hardened a little. "What sort of venom, exactly?"

"Is sedative, euphoric. Those I feed from are sleepy and quite pleased. After venom has worn off, no one ever
remembers I've even been there. They also never feel the cuts."

"Cuts?" McKay looked appalled. "Let me get this straight: you have fangs, but you draw blood by attacking people
with a knife or a razorblade ?"

"I have no weapons. I 'll show you, but it may disturb you." He let his tongue flick out from between his lips.
A short distance from the tip, a thin sliver of what appeared to be bone slid up to the surface, sharp-tipped,
razor-edged. It sheathed itself once Carson and Rodney had gotten a good look at it, and Radek pulled his t
ongue back into his mouth. "There. Licking breaks the skin. Not all of my kind use their fangs. The barb on their
tongues is painful without venom. I remember . . . it was so when I was attacked. Like a nightmare, the sharp
blade carving into my skin, each night a different place. Growing weaker, sicker. I never cause pain, or too deep
an injury. No one should ever die like that."

"I have been very careful not to make my condition noticed. It is why I do not go on many outside missions. If I am
caught defending myself again, I fear I shall not be able to hide any longer."

"Well," McKay huffed, "what would be wrong with that? If people could be made to understand that your strength,
your speed, that ferocity we saw, is an asset. Along with your intelligence . . ."

Carson and Radek looked at him like he'd turned blue and sprouted a second head. "For a genius, ye're a real
idiot. There's no way to convince everyone that Radek isn't dangerous. They'd turn against him in half a second.
At least now, he's trusted and well-liked and in no danger from an angry mob wielding stakes and torches. This is
really out of character for ye, Rodney. I thought ye appreciated Radek for his mind. If ye really valued that, you
wouldn't be so willing to put him in harm's way. Not to mention, siccing him on the Wraith is more than a little
bloodthirsty."

"All right." McKay's voice was a lot more quiet than usual. "Listen, Zelenka, when I saw that a Wraith had you, I
was concerned, all right? Anything that attacks you deserves to get torn limb from limb."

"Even if I must do the tearing myself? You have faith in that, but not in what I have explained about myself, even
when you see it with your own eyes? Really, McKay, you make no sense. Besides, I am engineer, not a soldier.
What I did today, I did on pure instinct. I am not comfortable being the monster you send out to kill other monsters.
Any of the military on the gate teams could have accomplished what I did with a gun. I am more useful in lab."

"I do not want to go." He crossed his arms over his chest and rubbed his shoulders in an unmistakable gesture of
fear and discomfort. "I'm afraid. From what you have seen, this sounds ridiculous, I'm sure. But you must
understand, for all but the past few years, my concerns have been books, figures. What I am and what I must do
to survive have always been secondary, and even that only concerns me with how well I can hide. I was a scholar
when I died in 1854, and so I remain. Unless I am hard-pressed or focused upon it, the strength and speed you
saw do not even come to me."

"I can die. I know that fire harms upir above anything else. I was once threatened with beheading by one of my own
kind, so I would assume that's a potent threat. There are stories where staking works, but equally as many where
it does not. We bleed more than you do, and perhaps might bleed to death. I do not know what would have
happened if the failsafe hadn't activated when we found the city. Likely, I would not have survived much longer with
a crushed and drowning body than one of you."

"So, despite being able to survive a Wraith's direct attack, there is nothing about being upir that is of any advantage
to a Gate team." Radek slumped on the bed, looking miserable. "I have never been ashamed of condition before.
Unhappy, yes, disgusted sometimes, but never ashamed. Ultimately, your knowledge of me means nothing of
value."

"Maybe not . . . I assume you injected venom into that Wraith when you bit him?" Carson asked.

"It was a last-ditch gambit, but yes."

"Well, it took a moment, but it stunned him some. If we could make it more potent, then it could be great for
defense on any of the away teams. Darts would be smaller to carry than Wraith stunners, less obvious, and
could be made easier to use than guns. It would be good to have some on hand, just in case someone got
disarmed."

"You mean, stick one of the bastards then run while they're knocked down?" McKay asked. "That's a little
unscrupulous, don't you think?"

"Aye, I thought it'd appeal to ye, Rodney."

"I will help, absolutely, Carson," Radek yawned, fangs still extended. "Though perhaps not today. I am tired, and
dizzy, which is unusual. I have murderous headache."

Rodney actually looked sympathetically at him. "Sounds like me when my hypoglycemia is acting up. It's usually
not long after that that I pass out."

"Well, I might be going out on a limb, here, but ye said ye still sleep. Blood somehow still circulates through yer
system; it must, since ye do bleed. It must be important, as other than just food, to maintain your state and ye've
lost more than a bit of it. So it makes sense that ye should do as anyone else with blood loss does: ye need to
sleep . . . but ye need to eat first."

"Wait a minute, Beckett, the only options for him here are you or me. I don't think either one of us can afford
anemia. Provided that he really is a vampire . . . which isn't true. Besides, if he was, couldn't he have drunk that
Wraith's blood?"

"Their blood, horrible. Drinking it . . . it's the concentrated life energy of everyone that Wraith has ever killed, or at
least the liquid conducts that energy. It's like . . . drinking from a river of terrified screams. Please, do not remind
me."

"It's all right, Radek. No one will make ye do that ever again. I think, since Rodney's the one who refuses to see
what's put in front of his eyes, he should volunteer. Besides," Carson gave McKay a smug look, "the blood loss
may take off my edge when lives depend on it."

"Lives depend on me, too!" Rodney protested. "Besides, you have staff to relieve you. I'm indispensable. The only
one around here who could even come close to replacing me is . . ."

"Nearly unconscious on the bed. And I need to see how this venom works without being under its influence. Just
do it, Rodney."

"All right, I will, but dammit, Zelenka, if I catch something from you, I'll stake you, burn you, and then sink you to
the bottom of the ocean."

Radek looked exasperated, but his tone was even when he said, "The illness comes from repeated blood loss,
nothing more. I do not intend to repeat this with you. No one has ever become seriously ill from my feeding. I
would not have lasted this long here in Atlantis if they had."

Rodney started to speak, but Zelenka cut him off. "In fact, I would not do this at all if Dr. Beckett would not have
asked. I would find someone else, but I . . . oh," he rubbed his temples and growled in Czech.

"Enough," Carson waved a hand at Rodney, shooing him over to the bed.

"Voyeur," Rodney cut his eyes at Carson, but trudged over and sat next to Radek anyway.

"More than you know, for this. Do not move, please. I have no wish to cause lasting injury. If I slip, I might."
Radek's eyes grew brighter, but the glow was more like a reflection than a light source. He picked at the zipper
under Rodney's chin, tugged. At the stunned look McKay was shooting at him, he shrugged. "What? You wish to
ruin your shirt with bloodstains?"

"All right, all right," Rodney all but snarled. He grabbed the zipper from Radek and unfastened his shirt himself,
before shucking the thing.

Carson was all but chuckling at his irritation. Considering what Radek had told him about the effects of a vampire's
feeding, he had a pretty good idea where this was going. He was no psychologist, but the closeness of this kind
of act might be good for Rodney. Or it could possibly scar him for life. In any case, it would be blackmail material
for years.

"Be still," Radek breathed as he leaned in. He rested a hand on Rodney's shoulder, let his head rest lightly on
Rodney's collarbone before bringing it up. He licked his lips and began to mouth the tendon on the side of
Rodney's neck with a whisper's touch. He started to nuzzle the skin, to drag his slightly opened mouth from
Rodney's chin to his shoulder and back, purring, humming.

Rodney's hands threaded through Radek's fine, sloppy hair, fingers rising and falling. He let out a cracking little
whine. It spiked sharply when Radek closed his lips briefly over his earlobe. His hands changed their movement,
instead grasping at Radek's hair and yanking him away.

"Ouch!"

"That was a kiss." Rodney's eyes were panicked. "No, that was seduction! He was kissing me!" His petulant
tone made Carson swallow down a chuckle.

"Ano, is the way I do things. No one has ever complained. For a moment, I thought you did not find it unpleasant
. It has always been so. I don't wish to steal, so I trade. Pleasure for blood. This," he indicated the glisten of
moisture on Rodney's neck and shoulder, and almost touched it, "is to take your mind off the bite. You would
rather I hurt you?" At this, McKay looked even more terrified. "You have low threshold for pain. You have
repeatedly beaten everyone around you over the head with this fact. I thought this would be better."

"I suppose it is better. This isn't going to have me swooning into your bed like some Hammer Horror scream
queen, is it?"

"I am hardly Christopher Lee. Relax. Anyone I have ever taken to bed has agreed before I bit them. I will not take
advantage of you, I promise." He glanced over his shoulder to the chair where Carson sat. "Are you all right with
this, Carson?"

"Oh, aye, I've seen plenty of vampire movies. When the attacks aren't vicious, they're sensual, and I knew where
you were going. Even if Dr. Oblivious didn't."

"You're enjoying this!" Rodney snarled at Carson. "I'm glad I'm not going to remember it when he's done."

"Actually, I am sorry, but you might," Radek shook his head. "I used most of venom on that Wraith. I do not have
a large amount left. I can feel this. I will give you all I have. It will numb the pain. You will not be quite as . . . high
as most people I feed on."

"Wait a minute!!"

"It will be fine. I am so tired, so cold. Please, Rodney," the cool gleam in Radek's eyes flickered, dulled. "Please
stop talking," his voice was a ragged whisper.

Rodney let Radek clasp his shoulders, feeling that his friend was, indeed, starting to become physically cold. He
didn't protest anymore, and let Radek lean in against his neck. He sighed, allowing the kiss. Even though it was
given to him with cool lips, the contact was actually rather pleasant.

The tip of Radek's tongue traced a light figure-eight along the soft place where Rodney's neck and shoulder met
then blew on the skin lightly. Rodney squirmed, and Radek clutched him harder. Radek's breath was even cool
now; it seemed the heat was draining out of him at a rapid pace. The engineer's skilled hands stroked Rodney's
back, attempting to distract the nervous man.

The thin sharp fangs broke Rodney's skin and he let out a bit of a yelp. He tried to yank Radek away from him
again, but the vampire's embrace was very powerful, the hands on his back clutching now. "Radek, that hur-"
Rodney's protest withered away into a soft murmur. He gave a soft, whimpering keen in his throat, a little trill of
surprised enjoyment.

Radek swirled his tongue over the puncture wounds, and pulled his head back to let Carson look at them. They
were trickling blood, but soon, they scabbed over. "They stop bleeding quickly," Carson observed, leaning forward
in his chair.

"I must lick the wounds first, then take my mouth off them to make them do that."

"So it has to be exposed to air to coagulate?" Carson resisted the urge to walk over to Rodney and poke at the
four tiny wounds. "Interesting. Vampire bats have an anti-coagulant in their saliva. The air must be the catalyst
that makes yers switch between the two extremes. The fact that whatever chemical it is stops bleeding so
quickly could have definite use."

"I'll be happy to . . . ne," he muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose above where his glasses rested. "Not again."

"All right, ye'd best see to Rodney, then, and yerself. Sorry I kept ye," Carson nudged Radek's foot with his own.

Radek's shaggy head bobbed in a nod. Despite his hunger and weariness, he smiled when he looked down at his
would-be "victim". Rodney was leaning back on his elbows, a slack grin stretched across his face, pupils blown
wide. "Y'r not a vampire, you know," he burbled. "Vampires are tall and elegant. Y'r a . . . y'r a furry, short . . .
y'r a hobbit, that's wha' you are!!" Then, he exploded into hysterical giggling.

"Yes, yes, and Sheppard is an elf, you're very clever, Rodney." Out of Radek's line of sight, Carson chuckled.
Radek gently leaned in, his breath lightly crashing against the shoulder opposite the bite. He licked his lips,
and was about to let the barb slide from his tongue when Rodney interrupted him.

"Oh, fantastic, y'r gonn' put marks on me on both sides."

"I would suck the venom right out if I drank from you on that side. It would hurt. Prosim, Rodney."

Rodney wriggled on the bed, swinging his feet from side to side like a metronome. He slipped a little, landing in a
heap before struggling up again. "Don't you swear at me."

"Rodney, 'prosim' means 'please'." He helped Rodney sit up straighter.

"Oh, oh," Rodney reached for him, almost cooing. "Good, cos' tha's a pretty word."

"Mmm, prosim, prosim," he nibbled lightly with his lips, barely dampening the skin. Rodney smelled of warmth,
and that was something Radek craved, craved more than blood, more than the sex he usually had with the people
he fed on. He hadn't been this cold in years; the ache of his need drilling into his bones. "You are so warm,
prosim, Rodney."

"Okay," Rodney's voice was soft, dropping off at the end.

"Ano," the sleek surface of Rodney's skin parted under the blade in Radek's tongue, two slashes, an "X", like the
cuts used to bleed poison from a snakebite. It bled freely and Radek drank, pleasure thrumming down his throat.
His hands tingled as he felt the warmth returning. He caressed Rodney's back, a habit that he'd always had with
those he was with. He kept his pace slow, allowing the blood to fill his mouth rather than actively sucking it out.

Radek hadn't been this thirsty in nearly fifty years; he'd not been injured like this in so long. Sipping from people
here and there had always sufficed, and now that he was in closer contact with them than he'd ever been, he'd had
to control himself even more than that. That was survival, it was keeping the trust of others. It hadn't been very
difficult, until now.

Rodney had rich blood, sweet, due to the sugar level he had to keep constant. Radek had always heard stories
that upir would always drink from the people they cared about first. He cared for his prickly friend; it was
undeniable, the draw of his blood was simply more proof. It clawed at him with heated fingers, urging him to take
more than was safe. Rodney was moaning softly, awkwardly stroking Radek's hair and not making it any easier f
or him to pull away. Radek echoed his cries, muffled by the warmth of skin.

Radek grasped Rodney's wrist and eased the heavy hand off the back of his head. It fell onto the vampire's
shoulder with a smack. Radek forced himself to think; Rodney was languid, affectionate, and that was an obvious
sign that he was getting a little woozy. It was best that he finish quickly.

He pulled away, lapped gently at the cuts, blew on them a little to speed the healing. It took a few seconds for
the blood to stop streaming out, but it did stop. Radek licked away the remnants of the blood and tilted him back.
Carson moved to pile pillows up behind Rodney's back.

"Thankyoo Carson, tha's really nice," Rodney gave Carson a broad grin as he was propped up.

"It's almost like he's drunk. Ye know, I don't think we should move him. Would ye mind if he slept here, Radek?"

"No. I don't mind. He might, though." Radek wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and crawled backwards
off the bed. "No, I know he will. He was really anxious at the idea of my seducing him. It was never my intention
to make him think I wanted to sleep with him."

"That's yer business, Radek."

Radek groaned softly. "I'm not blind, Carson. I've seen the fondness you have for Rodney. I would never encroach
where you deserve to try to win him over first."

"As if he was even interested. He won't look twice at anyone who isn't blonde with legs up to her throat, and, who
isn't, most importantly, female."

"For you, I would think he would make an exception. After living two centuries, I have seen love in all manner
of forms."

"But you haven't known it," Carson's voice was soft.

"For the first few years of my existence like this, I did not have the freedom to do so. Even when I regained my
freedom, it was still too dangerous. You must understand, that in my country, provincial though the traditions were,
horrible things were done to the bodies of anyone suspected of being vampires. I had no reason to believe that if
even modern people were to discover me, they would not revert immediately to those old measures. I could not
trust anyone with my secret. So, I existed in a world of people who forgot me, forgot my face and name. I
supported myself with knowledge, first as a bookkeeper, then as a professor in mathematics, physics,
engineering. I filled my life with theories and figures because it was not safe to fill it with people. Then, the SGC
asked for me."

"That was a brave thing for ye to do, coming here."

"I could not stay away from seeing some of my work put to practical use, but I was, I am still terrified, Carson.
Especially since I have found I am so similar to the Wraith."

"Radek, you are nothing like a Wraith. For one thing, it seems you can control your hunger. You're not aggressive,
well, except on the chessboard or when Rodney's wrong. I fully believe you've never killed anyone."

"You're wrong, Carson. I have killed. Simply not by feeding. Not here, nor now. It was long ago. In 1939, when
the Nazis invaded. When I realized what they were doing, the lengths to which they went in order to advance their
cause, I was overcome with anger, with grief. I slipped through the streets at night, murdered them at random,
stunned them with venom, broke their necks. It was easier then, to stay anonymous, to kill under the cover of
darkness. You heal people, Carson. You can't condone such a thing, even in war."

Carson looked grim, but he answered, "Well, I can understand why."

"Does not excuse the fact they were someone's sons, someone's brothers!" Radek slumped onto the bed again,
next to a now-softly-snoring Rodney. "It also does not excuse the fact that I refuse to fight now."

"Do you not think that what happened to ye in World War II might be why ye've made up yer mind not to
fight now?"

"Yes, but only part of it. I know more now than I knew then. If my knowledge is of value, I must protect myself
better in order to keep it. It's also not so easy to hide in such a small group of people as it was in Prague. Most
people here know where you are, if not always what you're doing. If I showed my nature any more obviously than
I do now, my condition would be common knowledge, and I cannot risk that. But if the Wraith actually did invade
full scale . . . I would give myself away before I let them harm anyone here. "

"Aye, I believe you would." A strong set of fingers tilted Radek's chin up, bringing his eyes to meet Carson's.
Carson was kneeling in front of Radek on the floor.

"So accepting. I never imagined . . ."

"Hush, lad. Vampire or no, I know a decent man when I see one. And ye've not deserved to have shut yerself
away from the world like this. Oh, I understand why, but I can't say life, afterlife, whatever, has been fair to ye."

"It's not so bad. I trust you and Rodney will keep my secret, and that, at least, makes me feel safer than I ever
have. But for coming here, fear has motivated nearly everything I have done in this existence."

"I wouldn't say that," Carson replied. "I'm not talking about the war, mind. No one looks for answers like ye have
motivated by fear alone. Hope always has a hand in it, too. If ye didn't have some kind of hope, ye never would
have trusted Rodney or me with this."

"Pleeeease," Rodney's voice chimed in, obviously woken from his doze, "wha's there to keep secret? Th' fact that
y'r a hobbit, Zisky? Ev'rybody c'n see that. Y'r not a vampire. You are not a vampire." He trailed off .

"Perhaps not, but, you are still a mad scientist, so we have potential for our own horror movie yet, McKay."
Radek's words were lost on Rodney, though, as he had dozed off again.

"'Irate scientist', more like," Carson smirked. "You see, Radek, even drugged as he is, Rodney's making jokes
about it. Big as his mouth can be sometimes, I honestly don't think he'd put ye in harm's way. Ye know I would
never do that either."

Radek had almost forgotten that Carson still had his hand pressed under his chin. He almost started when those
fingers followed the curve of his jaw up to his cheek. Radek hummed and leaned into the caress.
So good, so safe. He was almost about to submerge himself in that sensation entirely when he realized where
it was coming from.

"But, Carson, you and Rodney . . ."

"Well, maybe I'm greedy, because I care for ye, too. For the past hour or so, it hasn't been like I've not been
obvious."

"This is so much to take in."

"Likewise, Love. But we always seem to manage, the three of us. I'd not be without either of ye, if I had my way."

"You mean?"

"If ye like, Radek. If Rodney agrees. If he doesn't, we'll still manage."

"Either way, having a place in your kind heart will be more than I ever could have asked for, Carson. Thank you."

Carson gathered Radek up into a fierce hug, sweeping the smaller man off the bed as he stood. Radek could feel
the warm dampness of tears on his shoulder as he tried to regain his footing. "I've nae heard something so sweet
in a long time."

Radek found himself fighting back tears, too. "I mean it. It is a miserable shame that people don't appreciate you
with words more often. In a way, it is probably as difficult for you as for me to become close to someone, but you do it despite what would be best to protect you. That is your heroism, Carson."

The arms around Radek tightened so hard he feared he would shatter. "Ye stop that now, Radek, or I won't be
able to stop myself bawling."

"Is only the truth." Radek squirmed his way loose enough to be able to set his feet firmly on the floor, and Carson
released him soon after. Radek reached one hand to Carson's neck and guided him down so he could kiss
Carson's cheek and forehead.

"No more now," Carson protested. He sniffled a bit, rubbed at his eyes, and dropped back into doctor mode. "Ye
really are exhausted. If I were ye, I'd get Rodney's boots off and get him under covers, then I really would get to
sleep myself. I'll be back with some grape juice and a Power Bar for Rodney when he wakes, then I really should
be getting back to the infirmary."

Radek yawned. "Orders, orders. Will you or Rodney never tire of giving them to me?" He smiled over his shoulder
at Carson and went to work on Rodney's boots.

"Not likely, Love."

"Meh, thought not. Still, there was no harm in asking."

"Well, ye'd best follow them. If ye do, well then, every so often, one of the bags of whole blood that we don't
immediately need might find its way to you."

"Oh, prosim, Carson, that would be wonderful." Radek's eyes widened, gleaming brightly, as he turned from
covering Rodney with a heavy fall of blankets.

"As long as it can be spared, mind. Rodney's right, that is a pretty word. I wonder . . . No, no, ye need rest and
I need to get back to work." Carson crept up behind Radek, gave him one last little squeeze. "Well, Rodney looks
to be sleeping fairly normally. The pillows should keep the wounds elevated, and he should certainly be warm.
Why all the blankets?"

"I'm always cold, that is unless I've fed very recently. The hunger goes, but the cold never seems to stay gone for
long."

Carson pulled him back flush against his body. The warmth of it was delicious. "Will that do?"

"Oh, yes, but do not tease me, Carson. I know you cannot stay." Radek pulled out of his embrace gently and
gave him a regretful smile. "Sometime soon, though?"

Carson nodded. "Count on it." He gave Radek an attempt at his own smile, but it was clearly forced.

As he headed for the door, Radek caught his hand between his palms. "Carson?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for prying."

End.

Breathes out. Do I still have it anymore? Fanfic

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:41:11 GMT

Title: Best Kept Hidden part 1

Author pale_exquisite 

Fandom: Stargate Atlantis

Rating: PG-13 for blood and slight violence

Pairing: Beckett/Zelenka/McKay pre-slash

Series: Vampires Will Never Hurt You 

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the concept of Stargate Atlantis.  I claim no ownership and mean no harm, truly.

Warnings: Vampire fic, Rodney being whiny and difficult, maybe OOC,  Oh, and M/M kissing.

Author’s Note:  I've read a lot of vampire folklore, and have decided to make my vampires, this bloodline anyway, 

more true to that than most.  I've heard vampyr in Czech for "vampire", but I have reason to believe this is a more recent 

word, so I went with the one that is in my vampire folklore sourcebooks, which is upir.   I'm not quite sure of the plural on that,  

so I just left it.  I probably will need to edit it.  Also, I'm useless at making accent marks.  Please forgive me.  Timeline is sometime 

between "Tao of Rodney" and "Sunday" in season 3, but there's not much to indicate that here.



 
 
 
  
 
Best Kept Hidden
 
It had been a frightening tableau that Drs. McKay and Beckett had come across when they'd entered the clearing,
fearing the worst. Dr. Zelenka had come on the expedition to help Rodney decipher a particularly frustrating piece 
of Ancient tracking equipment, and his inexperience in the field coupled with his propensity to wander off had been 
the cause of a lot of worry.
 
That worry had seemed well-founded when they had finally found the engineer. A Wraith, most likely from a lone
Dart, had Dr. Zelenka backed against a tree.   The man's shirt had been torn open, the Wraith's fingers against his
chest. Dr. Zelenka, though, did not look like he was being fed upon, or had been fed upon. There was no visible 
change in his age, though the places where the claws penetrated his skin looked to be bleeding a little more than 
the usual victim's wounds.
 
"A cruel trick, human. You will die for this."
 
Zelenka smirked. "Waste no time, then. I could do this all day." The blue eyes shone glassily behind his lenses, 
somehow looking too bright, almost glowing.
 
The Wraith looked enraged, confused. "What are you?!"
 
What Carson and Rodney had seen next had kept them silent. Radek had seized the Wraith's clawed hand in both
of his own. He yanked the alien's wrist up into his mouth, and bit. Black blood spattered across his face, and the
Wraith gave a wet hiss of pain. It wrenched its arm out of Zelenka's grip, but the scientist caught the other arm 
and twisted it, the bone breaking with an audible squelching crack. It backed away from him, roaring with fury.
 
They both could have sworn he'd smiled at it, and that he'd looked positively evil.
 
Ronon had arrived within seconds and shot the Wraith down, but it almost wasn’t necessary, at least not to protect
anyone. By then, the Wraith had been acting even more perplexed and had been wavering on its feet. Dr. Zelenka 
had taken advantage of the moment to wipe the blood from his face, scrubbing at it desperately. By the time that 
Sheppard and Teyla had finally come across them, the stains on his uniform could easily be explained away as 
bloodspray from the bullets.
 
Sheppard gave Zelenka a verbal hiding about wandering off, something the smaller man endured in thoughtful 
silence. Teyla gave him a few stern words, as well, but they were softened by her concern. Ronon assessed 
Dr. Zelenka shrewdly, and growled that he had been lucky. Carson immediately checked the contact points of the
Wraith's talons, finding they were now bleeding far less than they had when they'd first found Radek. He'd applied 
styptic solution and antibiotics, and bandaged the punctures, despite the fact that Zelenka had insisted he not fuss. 
McKay was oddly silent.
 
It seemed an unspoken agreement that they both corner Zelenka about it once they returned to Atlantis. Sitting 
hunched on one of Carson's exam tables, the engineer gave mumbling protests that he would be "fine", though he
was a bit tired. After a few minutes of murmuring and prodding, Dr. McKay decided he couldn't stand it any longer. 
 
"You bit a Wraith!" Rodney circled the exam table. "Forget about why, how the Hell did you do that?" He turned to
Dr. Beckett. "Please don't tell me that he's full of Wraith enzyme. That's all I need."
 
Carson shook his head. "It didn't even start feeding on him. It only got as far as clawing him before it stopped."
 
"Well?" Rodney prodded.
 
"I saw vunerabilty and took advantage. I was desperate."
 
"You broke the thing's arm."
 
"Adrenaline. I was frightened."
 
"That still doesn't explain what happened to yer eyes." Carson made sure Radek looked him in the face. The 
statement seemed to surprise Zelenka, and he looked worried.
 
"Or why it clearly asked you what you were," Rodney added. 
 
Dr. Zelenka sighed so hard that it looked painful. "I cannot talk about this. Best if you dropped the subject."
 
"We're only trying to understand what happened, Radek," Carson did his best to make his voice sound soothing.
 
Radek was having none of it. "No! You pry because you are curious. Most of time, that is fine, Carson, but not 
now. I promise you won't like the answer, nor can you possibly understand it."
 
"Oh, please. I think I can make sense of one isolated event, " McKay scoffed. 
 
"Not of this," the engineer shook his shaggy head. "It is not isolated. I 've had to deal with this for a very 
long time. And, believe me, it doesn't even make much sense to me." Zelenka sighed again. "I imagine you will not

allow me peace until I explain." He didn't wait for either of them to answer. "You, Carson, will persist in the interest
of helping me, and you, McKay, will give me no rest because you cannot logically explain what I did."
 
"Best if I show you first, Carson. Is matter of biology, after all." Radek pushed up his sleeve and offered his wrist to
Dr. Beckett. "Here, take my pulse."
 
The skin was warm, but there was no pulse. Zelenka's voice was a hissing, almost angry whisper. "The Wraith
could not drain my life energy because I have none."
 
Beckett gasped.   "Nothing." He scrabbled at the stethoscope slung across the back of his neck, checked for a 
heartbeat, just to be sure. "My God, yer heart's stopped." He tried several more times just to make sure, then 
pulled the earpieces from his ears and let them snap back together at the nape of his neck, mouth hanging open in
shock.
 
McKay yanked at the instrument hanging at Carson's neck. "Oh, give me that, you must be doing it wrong!"
 
"There isn't one. No heartbeat, no pulse. This doesn't explain . . ."
 
"Keep your voice low! I can will my heart to beat when I wish. I cannot hold it for long without thinking, though. I 
only need to breathe if I wish to speak." He pushed between Rodney and Carson. "I will explain further, but 
somewhere not so public. Come."
 
"This ought to be good," McKay said in far too loud a voice as Zelenka breezed toward his quarters.
 
"Shut it, Rodney. I'm really curious about this."
 
As the door whooshed shut behind the three of them, Zelenka crumpled to the bed, looking incredibly weary. He 
slid off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose before putting them back in place. "Technically, I am not alive,
least not in the fashion that most human beings are. My body functions; I think, speak, move, even sleep 
sometimes, but my heart does not beat. Another being like myself killed me, and I woke as you see now. Though 
I know I acquired condition from the other, I don't know the factors involved."
 
"Wait a minute, you're claiming to be undead?!"
 
"If this helps, I do not think it magical. A virus that attacks the body while alive and sustains it while dead, 
perhaps. A genetic change. As I said, my body functions; perhaps I am alive in a different fashion now. I have
never understood biology as well as I would like." Radek cocked his head at Rodney. "I knew you would think me
insane."
 
"I believe ye," Carson said quietly, and McKay responded to this by blowing air out his lips and rolling his eyes. 
"What is it ye call yer condition?"
 
"Ah, I knew the word would come up sooner or later, as well as other symptom of my affliction. Upir, we call it at 
home."

Okay, I really should post to this blog more often

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:11:15 GMT

And I'm going to. My SGA story is going up here, as opposed to juliedoc because I had put it into my mind that this was going to be my slashwritin' journal. After all, I just don't know how some of my slash-not-likin' pals over on my main will take it. Yes, I do have those. Why, you may ask? Well, they're good people, despite the fact that what trips my trigger isn't necessarily what trips theirs. I'm just kinda scared that if they actually see the evidence to my slashiness, they'll think less of me. Somehow it seems less real if I'm not actually writing, you know.

Plus, JulieDoc is kind of what I want to become known as in the Zelenka/David Nykl community, and I know for a fact that he is a curious man and reads that stuff. If I ever meet him (and that is a distinct possibility, since he seems to love going to cons) I want to avoid anything . . . awkward. Actually, he says he approves of fanfic, even slash. He's said it's good to be creative and to be the inspiration of creativity in any context is flattering. He also swears up and down that he doesn't read fanfic, but he knows about the fanon vodka/moonshine still that his character is supposed to have set up in a backroom in Atlantis, so yeah, I believe that. He's probably trying not to make writers paranoid that he might be reading their stuff. Sweet man, that Professor Messyhead.

Actually, I think a lot of people who act, are musicians, have characters who are written about, or are written about themselves probably read more fanfic than they let on. I know for a fact Paul Gross from Due South read it (dirty slash, too), and did nothing but laugh and ask if people got off to it. David Hewlett is such an internet nerd that he probably has folders of it in his compy. And I know that Gerard Way has a slashstash somewhere. I can feel it in my bones.

SlashStash- You heard it here first, ladies & gentlemen.

I mean, I'd at least be curious, wouldn't you? As a fanfic writer, I honestly wouldn't care if people were writing fic about my character. "Ohh, what am I up to/who am I doing this week? Damn, my virtual reality self is a whore."

Sigh . . . neglecting my more spiritual side again, but thinking about the Continuum, of all things.

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 21:28:26 GMT

First, the bitching:

Well, my Dad's had his gastric bypass surgery and things are hell. He's sick in a way I'd rather not discuss and I have to deal with said dirty laundry. I happen to be gaining weight because without us here as a family, we've taken to grabbing food on the run and not making real meals. Mom's filled the house with junk from work as everyone moves out of the Whirlpool branch in La Porte. The house is a mess and Mom is pissed that the cleaning doesn't get done, but when do I have time to mop the goddamn kitchen floor when dad might have to rush through there on the way to the bathroom or else he might have an accident?  The damn DFA is knocking on my door wanting my medical records again.     It's chaos, really.

The only thing I am even marginally happy about is that I'm slightly able to write again now.   This is thanks to Chaz and a very very old fandom that has given rise to a passionate new one: Stargate Atlantis. I always liked Stargate: The original movie (That's where my eight or 9 months of heavy James Spaderlust in HS came from.) The series, well, I could never really latch on to it. It's kind of an "I told you that story so I could tell you this one" kind of tale. You see, Chaz found out that one of the main characters in SGA, had also played in a beloved old series of ours: Kung Fu-The Legend Continues. SGA's brilliant, arrogant, and often hilarious "brain", Dr. Rodney McKay, is played by David Hewlett, who played Nicky Elder, the damn adorable coroner in "Kung Fu". Now, McKay is not really my favorite character, but he's one of the main ones, and he's up there. Their Chief medical officer, Beckett, is Scottish and sounds so damn much like Billy Boyd that I had to look twice to make sure it wasn't him {not just the accent, they have really similar pitch}. Atlantis has lots of pretty mens, and a few pretty womens, too. The two female leads are really kickass, which makes me feel good, because usually female leads can be such useless bitches. My favorite character, well, he's not so pretty but he has nice eyes and wire-rimmed glasses and crazy hair and I like him anyway. The character's name is Dr. Zelenka, a native of the Czech Republic (home of gothic absinthe, the region of Bohemia, and pretty, pretty glass beads, among lots of other things), and he's the only one who'll stand up to McKay intellectually when McKay is being an absolute and utter bitchmaster.

If the Doctor and the Mistress are actually sides of my personality, then he appeals to the Doctor very, very much. I would put money on it that he would know exactly how to operate the Jump Generator beneath the Lake if invited.

Okay, okay, Stargate picspam, for those of you who want to know what I'm looking at:

Joe Flaningan, who plays Lt. Col. (Formerly Maj.) John Sheppard, the very lovely head of the Atlantis military contingent.

David Hewlett in Kung Fu as Nicky
and in Atlantis as Dr. Rodney McKay, suuuuper-geeeenius
Paul McGillion as Dr. Carson Beckett (AKA Dr. Pippin)
Rachel Luttrell as Teyla Emmagan, leader of the first group of humans Atlantis encounters. She's super-gorgeous.
Jason Momoa as Ronon Dex, a man who's spent years as hunted sport for the Wraith, Atlantis' main enemy.

Finally, (sighs) a man of an acquired taste, you honestly have to watch him to understand my fascination.   I find him attractive, yes, very, but not everyone would.

David Nykl as Dr. Radek Zelenka, Atlantis's "emergency backup brain". The first thing I ever said about him was: "Oooo, he's messy! I like him!"

Anyway, it's his character that has me writing again, and finally refining some of the stuff that I've been sucking at until I'm satisfied with it,.

Onmyoji 2!!!!

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 04:15:57 GMT

It's official.

I want to be Abe no Seimei.

I saw Onmyoji 2 the other day before reluctantly sending it back to netflix. It was full of everything I could have possibly wanted (barring Seimei and Hiromasa actually admitting they're in love and having gorgeously-lit passionate sex, of course.). Magic! Fantastic Heian costumes! Yokai, and Kami! Symbols that I recognized (the 8 I-Ching Trigrams, and Seimei's everpresent spiffing pentagram)! More references to Seimei being half-fox! And, of course, Seimei shamelessly flirting with hapless Sir Hiromasa and at the end, them both ending up unattached again. (Minor subplot spoilers: Hiromasa always ends up infatuated with some chick but she always ends up dead. So, he always ends up hanging out with Seimei and Seimei's girl spirit Mitsumushi and drinking. Slashy, yes. Threesome-y? Well, possibly. Add to the fact that in this one Seimei ends up dressing in very pretty priestess-drag in order to represent Uzume, the dancing Goddess and nearly dying in Hiromasa's arms while in said drag . . . yeah.)

I want to learn the dances and hand motions that I saw. I really, really want a karaginu (hunting jacket) like Shinto priests and onmyoji wear (and that all the noblemen seemed to wear back then). Funny thing is, you can't buy them. There's one for sale as part of a cosplay costume, but I was hoping you could order one like you do kimono, in several different styles so I could just pick the one I liked. No dice. seimei's garb came in really handy in swatting swords off-balance with his sleeves. (Not that I'll be encountering a lot of swords, but it was cool to know that one's clothes could be used as a weapon/distraction.) One cool thing is I can finally buy my rice paper to finish my priest's wand.

Somehow, the way the magic was presented wasn't outlandish, despite the fact that it included creating sacred barriers that tied demons down, making shikegami and occasionally making things float about. I'd love to be able to do that, and I believe it's possible. Plus, I've found, to my surprise, that I've totally lost my childhood fear of ghosts, so exorcising them would not frighten me. Who knows, maybe in time, I'll be able to tell if someone is ridden by demons/negative energy just by glancing at him or her. I'm hopeful.

various & sundry

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 00:22:48 GMT

Battlecar Galactica is now officially in the shop. we took a ride in it today and dad doesn't think it's the serpentine belt anymore. He thinks it's the transmission. The car shifts from first to second, but not out of second. He couldn't find the place to put in fluid, but he did think the transaxle fluid was dry, so, hopefully, it only needs a fluid fill. That would be sweet. Anyway, I'm thinking it shouldn't be disatrous, because I got the car in before anything actually broke. Here's hoping.

I got my groove cut in my stick for my Shinto priest's wand. I'm going to have to purify the stick before I put things together because I used an e-xacto knife and nicked myself twice. Shinto has a taboo against blood, which I, myself, do not really share. Okay, I don't share it at all. In Shinto, blood is seen as being connected with death, and for me, there are few stonger symbols of life than blood. In fact, I have an odd belief that eating rare meat (beef is the only really semi-safe one) can invigorate someone with low energy levels. To me, it also is more tender and tastes better, but that's probably part of my predator nature, and I'll leave it at that. But, for it to be a purified object, I guess I will have to cleanse it with water and salt, even though I sanded the blood from the stick. It's funny, in other magical traditions, the fact that I shed my own blood while working would have made the wand far more personal and powerful, but to the kami, it's a dirty stain. Go fig.

To Rasvi, Hermie, and Nevi and maybe Mikey, too, have a fabulous time at the David Cook concert tomorrow. It may not be my thing, but you guys deserve a great time, and I wish you the best of all possible days.

Pleh.

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 02:59:51 GMT

Well, shove a crowbar up my nose.

Wikipedia (which, of course, is not the best of sources, but still) has stated that Ray Toro got married on Saturday. In Jersey, not Puerto Rico as he said was a possibility before.

Something fangirly in me just died.

Now my fantasies are adulterous. :(

For the friends of mine who love Reborn! NSFW

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 18:08:41 GMT

I thought i could post this considering this journal, aside from being my main spiritual outlet, is going to be my main pronz outlet. Provided I finish any. Check this. After 's pictures of Lambo, I decided to look up a few myself. You can never have too many bishies, you know.

After a load of fail from googling "Lambo" and getting Lamborghinis, I decided to type in "Hitman Reborn Lambo". This one of the things that came up. Whoa. Just whoa. It's a very adult Lambo and a very adult Reborn being, well, very, very, adult.

Warning- This vid is a bit blurry, but you can see enough. It's NSFW, nor is it safe for any ukes in the paths of their respective semes when the screen finally goes dark. Call it a gift . . . for everybody.

Edit: I finally got the thing to show, but I can't put it behind a bloody cut. I can't even move the goddamn thing to be below my text. I'm really sorry for any prudes that might come across it, but I did try. I'm really sorry. Please don't report me!!!

Happy Birthday!

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 16:01:30 GMT

Happy Birthday,

fearnottheflame

I cannot for the life of me undestand why this damn blue text does not cut off when the link for LJ user ends. Have a fantastic day and know that I wish you hugs, gluten free cake, and all the best even if fate decrees I cannot be there at the moment. I also owe you a birthday reading, so jump on my ass and demand it when you get the chance!!

Four paths, and where they cross, part one.

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 22:15:59 GMT

I was talking last night to Sarah. Damn, can she ever be critical of me but sometimes she has good ideas. I told her about my four disparate paths, the Tao, Shinto, Onmyodo, and the faith of ancient Egypt. She suggested to me that if I really wanted to synthesize them into a personal faith, I should write down what draws me to each of them and all of them. Also found out last night she doesn't believe in faeries or the Martina Principle; but I refuse to listen to her in that regard.

Here goes: Egypt
A culture and religion of incredible beauty and sophistication.
The people have a reverence for animals to the point of seeing them as Gods.
The call of Bast on me is still very strong in an inexplicable way.
The faith is part of a culture that has fueled my imagination since I was a child.
Women are valued; the feminine is as much a part of the divine as the masculine.
They believe deeply in the evocative and divine power of scent.
The power of words, written and spoken, was very important to the Egyptian people.
There was an active magical practice in ancient Egypt.
Sex was not a taboo subject, nor was it reserved totally for procreation.

The Tao
I've been drawn to the Far East since I was knee-high to Grasshoppah!
The I Ching is an exquisite system of spirituality and divination.
I'm enjoying learning aromatherapy in the context of the Chinese elements.
The Tao discourages grandstanding of any kind. Removal of superiority complex=good.
Encourages mindfulness, meditation, and humility.
Lots of cool philosophical sayings.
Also does not see sex as taboo, but as a genuine pathway to raising energy.
No patriarchy or matriarchy, as far as I can see. Yin & yang are complementary and necessary.
I believe in chi, or personal energy, and believe magic to be partially an expression of this energy.
The system believes in balance.

Shinto
I've been drawn to the Far East since I was knee-high to Grasshoppah!
The people have a reverence for animals to the point of seeing them as Gods. (example, the Kasuga God at Nara Shrine is embodied in the tame deer that inhabit the shrine grounds.)
No patriarchy or matriarchy, as far as I can see.
The divine resides in everything, and everyone has the opportunity to become a minor god-spirit after death.
Objects have souls, which kind of suits my materialistic nature.
This may sound dumb, but have you ever seen a Shinto shrine? They're so damn pretty.
Water, incense, and salt are used for purification, which would not be much of a change from the Western magic I already know.
Mediumship and divination, especially among women, is highly valued.
Shinto has its own faeries, the yokai, to which I am increasingly drawn.

Onmyodo
Older than Shinto, this is partially a shamanistic tradition, and partially considered "Japanese Taoism", therefore no trouble combining it with Tao, Shinto, or both. In fact "On" and "Myo are just two other words for Yin & yang respectively.
I've been drawn to the Far East since I was knee-high to Grasshoppah!
Divination and spellwork are highly valued.
Women are not excluded, as far as I'm aware.
More elemental work.
Onmyoji also work with yokai, as well.
Value the written word (can even create a being with use of a text placed inside it. See shikegami in Saiyuki.)
Part of the tradition includes the prevention of vengeful ghosts, and putting restless souls at ease. I feel very drawn to this. Something in my mind keeps telling me I can do it. Ghostbusting, woot!

So, basically, I'm drawn to the fact that all these traditions do not discount women, are somewhat sexually liberal, value magic writing, divination, and the natural world, especially animals. Plus, there's something else that hooked me on the three cultures: Egypt, China, Japan, from a young age, in ways that are deeper than, say, Greece or the Norse countries, or even Meso-America, which was a bit of an obsession for a while when I was 11 or 12. But there are other things- I like a faith that does not say one person is inferior to another. I don't like a faith that encourages that attitude. What is missing here is love. Other people are certainly valued, but I have little information on these paths' thoughts on love.

If I cannot find it, I must bring it.

Sex questions

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:34:03 GMT

Funny enough, I've been wanting to do an entry for a while where I list all my turn-ons and -offs. I just wanted to get them off my chest, mostly. Imagine my surprise when I found this meme from

talalkhemiyst

1. Are You In To Rough Or Sensual Sex?

Both, depends on who I'm with. Funny enough, there are some guys who won't even consider rough sex. Pssh. Just because I'm giving the orders doesn't mean I want you to wuss out on me.

2. Have You Ever Given Oral Sex? If So Did You Like It?

Yawr. I can't say I'm all that good at it, though, even though I've enjoyed it. I think I'm better with my hands.

3. Have You Ever Used Sex Toys While Having Sex?

"Sex toys while having sex?" What kind of question is that? That's what they're for, isn't it? :P

4. What Is Your Sexual Fantasy?

Having a willing slave, plus there are other things that involve Ray Toro, fur and a riding crop . . .

5. Who Was The Best Sex With?

Probably my ex. I didn't always get off, but that's my problem. He was always pretty considerate.

6. How Long Have You Gone With Have 1 Sexual Partner?

Four months, I think. I haven't actually had sex since 2001.

7. Where Was The Freakiest Sex You Ever Had At?

Back of a movie theatre. During the "Count of Monte Christo". It wasn't actual sex, really, more like mutual masturbation.

8. Have You Ever Done Anal Sex? If So Did You Like It?

Yes, but It was only with a sex toy. It was good, nnn.

9. What Is the Most Uncomfortable/Nastiest Thing the Opposite Sex

Has Ever Done?

Meh. Well, I was having a threesome once and the guy was really well-endowed. Scary big. He tried to shove it in without lube or even getting me ready.

10. Ever done a 3(or more) some?

Yeah. Polyamory is hard to swing, though, especially when two of the threesome are a couple or want to be one. You can get a bit lost in the shuffle, and it's not really anyone's fault.

11. Biggest Turn On??

My partner letting me touch him anywhere and any way I like. I have kind of a nipple fetish, too. And hair. I loves me some long hair.

(oh and I luffs me some sexy hipbones. rarr!) (seconded!!!!!)

12. Biggest Turn Off??

Watersports, scat (pleeeeeeeeeeeeh!) Stuie writes it, and he's a fine writer, and I support him and all, but it does not trip my trigger. Smoshing. Mixing sex and food is all very well and good, but I don't think sitting down in a cake and wiggling around or dumping a can of baked beans over one's head is very sexy. I don't get it.

13. Have You Ever Had Sex In Front Of Someone?

Yawr, but they couldn't actually see.

14. Ever Had A 1 Night Stand? If So, How Many?

A couple. And one ended up a one-night stand because the sex wasn't any good.

15. Do You Have Sex In Cars?

Are you kidding? I'm not that flexible!!

16. Do You Always Use Protection?

Yeah. I've always been confident of the majority of my partners not having some kind of freaky disease. ('cept that one-night stand.) But I do not want kids.

17. Are You A Biter??

Yes, and I leave marks, and I'm proud of them, too..

18. Be Honest Are You A Freak?

I'm an entire order of freakburgers. Ding! Fries are done, baby!

19. Have you been told you’re good in Bed?

Once. It was nice.

20. Do You Like PUBLIC Fucking?

It was a little exciting.

21. How Old Were You When You Lost Your Virginity?

24. Late bloomer. Very late.

22. How Many People Have You Been With? Honestly?

Six. And that's counting just fooling-around and not actual sex.

23. Will You Ever Do Porn?

Depends on the pay, and who I'm with. Pair me up with one of those back-hair-farming nasties that are usually in porn and I'd have to say no.

24. Ever Had Sex In You Parents Room?

No, ye Gods, they have evil radar, they'd know, they'd know!

25. Will You Ever Do Anything With The SAME Sex?

I have.

26. Have You Ever Cried While Having Sex?

I cried after, once. It was a threesome and I felt lonely.

27. How Long Was The Longest Sex Episode?

hour and a half, probably.

28. How About the Shortest?

10 minutes.

29. Do You Ever Stare At Your Partner While Having Sex?

Kevin Smith had Alan Rickman say it in Dogma: "there's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus."
I agree. My partner is usually amusing to watch just for that reason. I'm so mean.

30. Are You A Licker?

I lick, bite and suck.

31. Spit or Swallow??

I've not done that much oral sex. The couple times I did, I didn't have to do either, he pulled out.

I'm totally gonna make a more kinky meme to supplement it. It lacks in bondage questions, dom/sub questions, there need to be more sex toy questions, striptease questions, voyeurism questions, etc.

My cards hate my f**king guts

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:47:59 GMT

I’m a longtime card reader, although, I find that I have been more drawn to Oracle decks than traditional tarot. Still, there are some Oracle decks that can be somewhat lacking when it comes down to layers of meaning. (for example, I have four Doreen Virtue decks, and while their images are all positive and helpful, that’s just it. They seem to ignore that sometimes there is no positive solution for the foreseeable future, and that people aren’t always happy. I would rather have a deck that addresses all aspects of life, positive, negative, and neutral.) I hope to gain more insight and experience into the more traditional tarot this way, though I’ve chosen a more non-traditional Lisa Hunt deck for these exercises (Wands and Swords have reversed elements.) I also haven’t heard my cards’ voices for a while. No one seems to really want me to read for them anymore.

I am working with The Shapeshifter tarot.

The card I have chosen as companion is the 2 of Cups, the title of which in this deck is “love.”

For adept exercise reading : “Who am I?”

1^st card: Four of cups. Decadence. Man, I never thought I was that lazy or that frivolous or that selfish. I thought I was making good strides to pull myself out of depression and be busy and helpful lately. I guess I was wrong. I have only been trying to keep a hold of some money lately because I don't have all that much, and can't be as generous with my time or money as I would like.

2^nd card: the Circle, reversed Everything’s upside down, now. The dna twine of the ribbon running through the circle pulls a slash across the wrist of the arm that is holding up the wheel. I guess I still have suicidal thoughts buried deep inside me.

3. 9 Pentacles: Success reversed. Thanks, just thanks, cards. I’m useless, miserable, emo, lazy, and a fucking loser.

In a way, the cards sound a lot like Sarah, who keeps telling me that I never finish anything (but I do, and I have.) She seems to look down her nose at it when I say I've finished a story; but it's only a PWP/a short one. I haven't been gaming nearly as much lately as I used to; I'm getting ready for my shows; I have over 1200 dollars worth of merchandise already! I've tried a new pattern/technique, and I never would have learned it if I hadn't persevered. Once I have all the materials, I'm even going to do a necklace design that I might send in to a beading magazine! It's taken me a long time to gain this much confidence, and I am still a loser? I long ago abandoned "The Continuum" mindset for a more cynical outlook on sex and I'm still decadent? They have been small steps, but I'm still trying.

My mom is being pretty cool.

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 22:47:34 GMT

She says she will put up the money for the booths at the three shows I'm going to, so I won't have to go with Judy and bang around in a 10-ft. space. They'll look for a canopy for me, too, and I can also pay them back for that.

That means . . . what I crave for my next beading project, I can go get it when I get paid. I wants goldstone. I neeeeeeeds goldstone. It's for two projects that are gifts. It's so right for one of them; my mind keeps telling me goldstone, goldstone, goldstone. I used to call it sunstone because I always thought it looked sunnier than the actual sunstone, what with the sparkles and all. Real sunstone just looks like pale carnelian or red aventurine.

The only place I can get goldstone is in Niles at Moonbeads & Earthwear. It'll be a stretch, but I . . . must get a few special thingies before I set up the booth!

I get paid on Monday, possibly Tuesday.

Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Edit: It may be a bit too soon. I think we should let the situation progress a bit more and see how things turn out for a while.

The World We Live In

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 21:34:22 GMT

This, this is so fucking disgusting that I couldn't even finish reading it. I am so lucky that my condition is not as bad as this girl's. Just one tick to the left on my brain (metaphorically speaking) and I could have been. I am so lucky my parents wanted me, wanted to find out what was wrong with me despite everything. These people were so embarassed of their daughter, who had cerebral palsy, that they let her starve to death. They never tried to get disability for her (or maybe they did and took all the money for themselves, I was too sickened to look. ) They never wanted to touch her or feed her or be seen with her. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080801/ap_on_re_us/starvation_death_charges If you have a child, you have to be prepared for something like this. You have to be prepared love your child even if he or she isn't perfect. It's sick to treat a person like this, any person.

Whoville aint' a bad plan, but . . . movie rant

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:23:56 GMT

We're apparently watching Dr. Who tonight. That's cool, it saves money, but I really wanted to go and see the Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. I still haven't seen The Dark Knight yet. The others went and saw it on a night when I was out with my parents. Funny thing was, they saw a midnight show and I could have gone with them if they'd only called me.

Other stuff I'll probably miss that I want to see: Hellboy II, Clone Wars (Master Lee is voicing Dooku, his son-in law said so, squee) , Tropic Thunder (which will be a definite no because Ben Stiller's in it),and, hell, Be Kind, Rewind was out and then out on video before I even noticed it came through town.

And I had to watch The Happening. Pleh. With all the suicide in it, and they wonder why I hated it. Granted, they didn't know about the suicide in it when we went, but still . . .